maria dossett

my brain stopped forming last year

or at least that’s what they say happens

when you turn 25

and i figured that was true

but i actually did feel something shift last year

a firm split of who i have been

the emotional rollercoaster of

girl to teenager to adult

from middle to high to college

and who i have grown to be

after four years of 

therapy and spiritual direction

and i’m grateful that for my 26th birthday

while there are holes that still need filled

i feel more comfortably myself than i have

for my twenties so far

but i heard her crying last week

my teenage self 

screaming and sobbing in the mirror

“what did you do?”

she’s talking about the weight

the 20 to 50 to 100 pounds 

i gained while growing up

and i feel it too

sinking me into myself, 

forcing my body to squish and flop and stretch

the anger i feel at my body takes over some days

a flash of rage that i have to be stuck in here

that i can’t magically make it a new body

tear away all the places it is too big for itself

and i start to tell my teenage self, 

“i’m so sorry i let you get this bad”

but instead, i hold her

and wipe her tears

and say

“i did what i needed to do”

and in the moment, 

that has not meant losing 50 pounds to finally

love who i saw in the mirror

but it has meant

telling my therapist  all the places that hurt inside

that make me afraid

that steal my hope

telling my spiritual director that sometimes i think God left me

that i don’t know if He remembers who i am

that i’m scared He will change His mind about me

and it’s meant letting my friends and family

see me

my beauty, my bubbly, my insecure, my anxious

who loves laughing and playing pretend

who cries at night because i’m afraid of 

being too much 

being not enough

being left

being alone

and in the midst of 

making a safe space for myself to grow

i forgot all of the reasons i needed to lose weight

for a boy to like me

to wear the clothes i wanted

to be good at my job

to be beautiful

to be needed

and suddenly thought of all the reasons

my body should be taken care of for

to be healthier

to have babies

to dance at parties

to ride big rollercoasters

to live longer

to feel more alive than not

because it is a gift

because God made it as such

“i did what i needed to do,

to keep us alive,

to make us feel wanted

and loved and known,

and i’m sorry i didn’t tell you those things sooner,”

i say to my teenage self.

“and i’m really scared

of the stones that God is unturning

of the things He is asking 

for my help in taking care of now,

but i trust you

and am proud of you,

and will do what i need to do,

to help you be alive for much, much longer,”

i whisper to my self, now.