maria dossett

i went on an amazing date one summer

we walked by the river and sat on park benches

i held his hand and believed i could love someone like this

after our second date, he said

“you are just perfect, everything about you is amazing”

and i shrank into the passenger seat

because he didn’t actually know me

wasn’t burdened with the knowledge of my cuts & scars 

that only half-healed with time

i stopped going on dates with him after that

told him how nice of a guy he was, and 

left him with the image of me that i wanted

grateful that he believed i was perfect

that he would never know all the ways i’m faulty

for myself

for him

for everyone else

i tried to stop going on dates last summer

with a man i assumed was too good to be true

i wanted out before getting invested

feeling him push through the layers of my image

without even trying

on our fourth date, i cried in front of him

terrified at the thought of being wanted by someone

terrified by how close he was getting

terrified to relive another experience of 

becoming too much for someone else

and then felt the ounce of relief amidst the pain

“this will surely drive him away,

and i won’t have to keep getting my hopes

up for nothing”

instead, he held me while i cried

and asked me to let everything out

i stared at him in disbelief

as he poured out a safe space

like no boy could before

and since then, he has seen my best self

where the laughter pours over

the table is full, the windows are clean

good words & brave thoughts abound

and the beautiful days are countless

while he also gives space to my worst self

where the cracks overcome the house

the emptiness screams through hollow walls

i’m angry and ugly and alone and afraid

and the pain is suffocating and endless

and for the first time ever,

i’m learning how to be seen for me

and not the image of me

to be fiercely, stubbornly,

creatively, perfectly loved

by someone who has the privilege of knowing

that i never was and never will be perfect

who gives as much tender care to the cuts and scars

as every other good part of myself

and i hope i can understand

through his love

that i’ve been loved like this all along